I envy people with courage. I know that many of you are thinking that I have a lot of courage, but you are wrong; I am weak. The core of my weakness lies the fear of failure. There have been so many times in my life that I have felt the current of courage rush through my finger tips, but once my mind identifies the possibility of loss, rejection, or failure, I become powerless.
Someone told me today that courage is something that you have to build; like a fucking assembling line. (Their exact words- exact words) But my fear rises up again. I feel like my courage is comparable to a squirrels attention span- it is there, but then it is gone so quickly.
I do not want to be wrong.
I do not want to fail myself.
...or anyone.
I am comfortable the way that things are and I can always become more comfortable; even if something does not feel right.
Is this where Faith is supposed to jump up and say HEY!!! or is this where courage and faith unite?
Lawd!!!!
I know that there are things in my life that I need to change; sooner than late. I am just terrified. Absolutely terrified.
The challenge tonight, that I am struggling with is building up courage towards change. The advice I received tonight was to start off by putting your insecurities out there and eventually, you will say exactly what you wanted to say when you initially started writing.
Here it goes:
I am insecure about my body and the image it projects to the world. Though I come across as being very confident with my development, I hate looking in full body mirrors. My stomach is larger than I have ever anticipated, but I love eating and don't love exercising. Stupid exercising. Stupid.
I am insecure about some of the decisions I make. I feel like my desires sometime override my morals and true beliefs. I am selfish and I know that I definitely put forth effort to always put my children first, but I get selfish.
I am insecure about the relationships I am in. I have been burned by bad interactions/relationships, but I have also witnessed very powerful, healthy relationships. I can say that the biggest insecurity I have now is my marriage. I don't feel good enough. I know that there are things that need to change. I know that I need to change. I know that my biggest barrier to move towards change is the fact that I lack the courage to do so because I am paralyzed by fear. I am terrified that I will suffer loss, even if there is more to gain. I am terrified to fight, because I absolutely hate fighting. I am terrified that I will have to look at my children and see hurt in their eyes or know that in some way I have failed them. I do not want my children to have to suffer from the same insecurities as me; I want them to be stronger than me. I know what my children are missing from me as a parent, but I go back and forth, because they already have so much in front of them.
I don't want to be wrong, but in a sense, I don't want to be right either.
I know that the "right" thing to do is, but damn, knowing and doing are two completely different things.
I don't think that I am going to get to the point tonight and spit out the cyclone that is inside of me, even though I want to.
This is one of the many "first" times that I have even been at a loss for words. I have never experienced so much silence. I could get used to it. puke.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Life is short
I could not sleep past 6:30 this morning. I have no idea what kinds of thoughts were swimming through my head, but I cold feel restlessness through my body and soul. To explain it, my eyes felt alive and anxious for what today could bring. My hands felt like meeting the world and embracing it. And my heart, beating with love. Beating with purpose; Purpose that I find hard explaining because I a do not know or simply, I do not remember.
A few weeks ago, I attended a funeral to celebrate the life of a great man. I find my heart to still hurt when I think about the loss of a good man on this earth. It is near impossible not to cry when I think about all of the shit that came out of his mouth. It was hard to tell that that man could be serious, but when it came to his family, friends, and career, he was nothing but serious and full of passion. It was always easy to see the good in this man heart and feel his unconditional love for children and others. He knew his purpose on earth and lived it every single day of his life.
I miss him. I cherish the time that I have had with him and so much wish to have had more.
We all know how precious time is, but most of us do not value the time that we have until someone Else's time runs out.
I feel like I have been in a rut for some time now. I have been searching but waiting for my sense of purpose to rise again. I am not the kind of person that literally sits and waits, but I am not actively reaching out or looking through binoculars; I just want to be railroaded. :)
I have not been told that I am going to die, but sometimes I still feel like the end of my life is right around the corner. So, I guess now, I am searching for my purpose; for my chance to be something that my children look up to and value.
I started with a bucket-like list: (but I am allowing those that I love to help me)
1. Learn to play the piano.
2. Crochet a hat.
3. Form a strong relationship with God.
4. Pray every day and teach my children to pray.
5. Serve people in church.
6. Keep my van and office clean and organized for a month straight.
7. Find my purpose and live it out every day.
8. Be a good woman, a better wife, and the best mother.
9. To write a song and sing it in front of people.
10. To find my voice again and use it to inspire.
I feel that 10 is a good jumping off point. There are lots of things listed that I know that I cannot do by myself, but can accomplish through building community; which becomes family. And we all know how important "family" is to me.
A few weeks ago, I attended a funeral to celebrate the life of a great man. I find my heart to still hurt when I think about the loss of a good man on this earth. It is near impossible not to cry when I think about all of the shit that came out of his mouth. It was hard to tell that that man could be serious, but when it came to his family, friends, and career, he was nothing but serious and full of passion. It was always easy to see the good in this man heart and feel his unconditional love for children and others. He knew his purpose on earth and lived it every single day of his life.
I miss him. I cherish the time that I have had with him and so much wish to have had more.
We all know how precious time is, but most of us do not value the time that we have until someone Else's time runs out.
I feel like I have been in a rut for some time now. I have been searching but waiting for my sense of purpose to rise again. I am not the kind of person that literally sits and waits, but I am not actively reaching out or looking through binoculars; I just want to be railroaded. :)
I have not been told that I am going to die, but sometimes I still feel like the end of my life is right around the corner. So, I guess now, I am searching for my purpose; for my chance to be something that my children look up to and value.
I started with a bucket-like list: (but I am allowing those that I love to help me)
1. Learn to play the piano.
2. Crochet a hat.
3. Form a strong relationship with God.
4. Pray every day and teach my children to pray.
5. Serve people in church.
6. Keep my van and office clean and organized for a month straight.
7. Find my purpose and live it out every day.
8. Be a good woman, a better wife, and the best mother.
9. To write a song and sing it in front of people.
10. To find my voice again and use it to inspire.
I feel that 10 is a good jumping off point. There are lots of things listed that I know that I cannot do by myself, but can accomplish through building community; which becomes family. And we all know how important "family" is to me.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Sleepless nights
I am a old lady when it comes to bedtime. As soon as the sun hits the horizon, I start counting down the hours until I can pass out. Paxtynn goes to sleep at 7:30PM and Elianna is out by 8:30PM; this old lady, by 8:45//9:00PM. Every once in a while, this brain refuses to shut off; like tonight. Sometimes my brain is enlightened by something that I watch or experience before I lay down at night. Tonight, I think that it is a number of things, so I will just begin.
In the previous post, I mentioned that I have been on this earth for nearly 8800 days; which is true. I have lived and breathed the same air that most of you reading this have. So, now that we have found something in common, I am sure that you can relate to the rest of what I am about to put forth on to this spread sheet.
I am at the point in my life now that I can see myself changing once again. The way that I view life is different. Nearly all decisions I make are geared towards a different kind of success or passion. Who I see when I look in the mirror or protect out to the world, is different. I am allowing myself to change, while still grasping onto the things of my past with new understanding. I get scared when I cannot be certain of my future, but I try to remain confident with the comfort that God holds before me. And nights like these, I just place my hands into God's and dive into what he wants me to work on.
I suffer from personal insecurity. I have suffered from this, since I could first place recognition on a memory. I have fought effortlessly to become secure, but have only been torn down even more and I know that it was to keep people in my life.
My first major loss in my life was my mother. I grew up without knowing who she was or what her heart desired. I grew up only knowing what my father, step mother, or grandmother would tell me. The only reason I knew what she looked like was because of a photo that my grandmother had in my baby album after I was born. My dad hated my mother and my step mother always tore my mother to pieces. My grandmother had nothing good to say and when I would build up the courage to ask about her, she would shut down that conversation immediately. My curiosity would never give my heart a break. I wanted to know my mother and I wanted to believe that she was more than an abandon-er or the "town slut". I fought so hard to dream my mother into a hero of some sort. I dreamed that she was loving, caring, intelligent, and fun. I imagined that she was the best mother in the world and that she wanted me, her daughter; her blood; her living, breathing, child.
One of my first memories as child was of her...
I remember finding out that my step mother was not my real mother and feeling absolutely betrayed and angry. After the anger had past, I remember all of the anxious feelings inside of me and how they felt like butterflies. It was almost a relief to know that there was more to "me" out there; much more than what I had already. But, as days went by and I began to ask my family who my real mother was and what she was like, I started to break down. Nobody had any thing good to say about her and the more I asked, the deeper I dug, the more that people started treating me like I was her or like I would become like her. OR at least that is what it felt like to a 5 year old girl.
Anyways, I found out that they told me that my step mother was not my real mother because my real mother wanted visits; apparently she wanted to see me again and be a part of my life. Most of the beginning memories are blurry. I can just remember a white Monte Carlo that would pull into our driveway and that in that white Monte Carlo was my real mother.
Our visits always went fine. She would bring me gifts and pictures. She would play with me and tell me about her life. She brought her boyfriend from time to time, but I can't really remember anything significant about him except that he always wore a racing jacket.
Visits only lasted a few hours. All in all, she only visited consistently for a few weeks. The last time that I saw her, was only after a few weeks of meeting her. and then she just drove off. She left me. She left me at the end of my driveway, begging for her. Wanting her. Needing her. And then never seeing her again.
Being five years old and having to wipe your tears and turn around on your driveway and start walking was tough. I did not know that that moment would change my life forever. That moment would be the first moment where I would begin my plea in life to fight my ass off to be good enough for someone to want me. For someone to want to stay. For someone to want to keep me....and love me. ...and never leave me.
My second loss, was my big brother. Going back into the first few memories that I had in life, I had a tan, blonde headed big brother that was my partner in crime, my leader, my enemy, but then, my hero. My loss came during my father and step-mother's divorce. After all, he was her child and my step-brother; my father had no rights to keep him.
I felt like their divorce went fast (I can get into those specifics later). All of a sudden, one day, my big brother was there...and the next he was not. Where did my hero go? Where did the brave soldier that would keep the monsters in the hallway and in my closet away go? At night, before we would go to bed, my brother and I would have a code that we used to communicate by knocking on the walls. My brother and I were awesome. (Display picture here ---soon)
My brother never died, he simply moved. But once he was no longer in my house, he could no longer protect me and my life's light shut off and turned to black. I lived in the black for two years and most of us know enough background to know what resulted...foster care.
My personal insecurities developed for the worst while I bounced around the system. I could not help it but take it personally when a foster home gave their 14 day notice and I had to move. I could not help it but feel, once again, like I was not wanted, needed, loved, or worth anything. I tried my hardest to keep people in my life and believe their promises to never leave. It honestly started to feel like everyone would give up on me. When I found out that I would never return home, I promised myself that I would try even harder to be a better person; to be worth someones time. I wanted so badly to be in a family...forever. I wanted to be loved for all of my flaws and loved unconditionally. The system does not always allow that though. ...Stupid system.
The personal insecurities that I am reflecting on tonight are for a reason, if that makes sense. Finally, I am to a point in my life, where I am stepping back and revealing my humiliation and failures, so that I can began the process of overcoming them. No longer will I have to ask or think "what can I do to keep this person/thing in my life forever?" I will deal with the grief and loss as it comes naturally, but I will not let it hold me back from anything that is out there. I am becoming stronger and less insecure. Tonight I am feeling strong in my pasts' weaknesses. I know that it might only last a moment, but I know that that moment will become my next stepping stone and will only develop even more.
Good night world.
In the previous post, I mentioned that I have been on this earth for nearly 8800 days; which is true. I have lived and breathed the same air that most of you reading this have. So, now that we have found something in common, I am sure that you can relate to the rest of what I am about to put forth on to this spread sheet.
I am at the point in my life now that I can see myself changing once again. The way that I view life is different. Nearly all decisions I make are geared towards a different kind of success or passion. Who I see when I look in the mirror or protect out to the world, is different. I am allowing myself to change, while still grasping onto the things of my past with new understanding. I get scared when I cannot be certain of my future, but I try to remain confident with the comfort that God holds before me. And nights like these, I just place my hands into God's and dive into what he wants me to work on.
I suffer from personal insecurity. I have suffered from this, since I could first place recognition on a memory. I have fought effortlessly to become secure, but have only been torn down even more and I know that it was to keep people in my life.
My first major loss in my life was my mother. I grew up without knowing who she was or what her heart desired. I grew up only knowing what my father, step mother, or grandmother would tell me. The only reason I knew what she looked like was because of a photo that my grandmother had in my baby album after I was born. My dad hated my mother and my step mother always tore my mother to pieces. My grandmother had nothing good to say and when I would build up the courage to ask about her, she would shut down that conversation immediately. My curiosity would never give my heart a break. I wanted to know my mother and I wanted to believe that she was more than an abandon-er or the "town slut". I fought so hard to dream my mother into a hero of some sort. I dreamed that she was loving, caring, intelligent, and fun. I imagined that she was the best mother in the world and that she wanted me, her daughter; her blood; her living, breathing, child.
One of my first memories as child was of her...
I remember finding out that my step mother was not my real mother and feeling absolutely betrayed and angry. After the anger had past, I remember all of the anxious feelings inside of me and how they felt like butterflies. It was almost a relief to know that there was more to "me" out there; much more than what I had already. But, as days went by and I began to ask my family who my real mother was and what she was like, I started to break down. Nobody had any thing good to say about her and the more I asked, the deeper I dug, the more that people started treating me like I was her or like I would become like her. OR at least that is what it felt like to a 5 year old girl.
Anyways, I found out that they told me that my step mother was not my real mother because my real mother wanted visits; apparently she wanted to see me again and be a part of my life. Most of the beginning memories are blurry. I can just remember a white Monte Carlo that would pull into our driveway and that in that white Monte Carlo was my real mother.
Our visits always went fine. She would bring me gifts and pictures. She would play with me and tell me about her life. She brought her boyfriend from time to time, but I can't really remember anything significant about him except that he always wore a racing jacket.
Visits only lasted a few hours. All in all, she only visited consistently for a few weeks. The last time that I saw her, was only after a few weeks of meeting her. and then she just drove off. She left me. She left me at the end of my driveway, begging for her. Wanting her. Needing her. And then never seeing her again.
Being five years old and having to wipe your tears and turn around on your driveway and start walking was tough. I did not know that that moment would change my life forever. That moment would be the first moment where I would begin my plea in life to fight my ass off to be good enough for someone to want me. For someone to want to stay. For someone to want to keep me....and love me. ...and never leave me.
My second loss, was my big brother. Going back into the first few memories that I had in life, I had a tan, blonde headed big brother that was my partner in crime, my leader, my enemy, but then, my hero. My loss came during my father and step-mother's divorce. After all, he was her child and my step-brother; my father had no rights to keep him.
I felt like their divorce went fast (I can get into those specifics later). All of a sudden, one day, my big brother was there...and the next he was not. Where did my hero go? Where did the brave soldier that would keep the monsters in the hallway and in my closet away go? At night, before we would go to bed, my brother and I would have a code that we used to communicate by knocking on the walls. My brother and I were awesome. (Display picture here ---soon)
My brother never died, he simply moved. But once he was no longer in my house, he could no longer protect me and my life's light shut off and turned to black. I lived in the black for two years and most of us know enough background to know what resulted...foster care.
My personal insecurities developed for the worst while I bounced around the system. I could not help it but take it personally when a foster home gave their 14 day notice and I had to move. I could not help it but feel, once again, like I was not wanted, needed, loved, or worth anything. I tried my hardest to keep people in my life and believe their promises to never leave. It honestly started to feel like everyone would give up on me. When I found out that I would never return home, I promised myself that I would try even harder to be a better person; to be worth someones time. I wanted so badly to be in a family...forever. I wanted to be loved for all of my flaws and loved unconditionally. The system does not always allow that though. ...Stupid system.
The personal insecurities that I am reflecting on tonight are for a reason, if that makes sense. Finally, I am to a point in my life, where I am stepping back and revealing my humiliation and failures, so that I can began the process of overcoming them. No longer will I have to ask or think "what can I do to keep this person/thing in my life forever?" I will deal with the grief and loss as it comes naturally, but I will not let it hold me back from anything that is out there. I am becoming stronger and less insecure. Tonight I am feeling strong in my pasts' weaknesses. I know that it might only last a moment, but I know that that moment will become my next stepping stone and will only develop even more.
Good night world.
Friday, August 31, 2012
My promise to you
I have lived on this earth for nearly 8800 days. I have been gifted to learn new things and see life through the windows of His glory. As I hear my theme song "The good life" from One Republic, my mind fills with words that turn into sentences and I just want to explode your mind with pieces of how I see life around me.
This week, I have been struggling. I have be feeling torn apart inside and all I want to do is run back into the arms of the Lord and feel his comfort. I am sure that given all of the factors that I deal with at work (heller I am a social worker), on top of feeling lost, and with the fact that the moments to heal are minimal, life feels impossible. ...if that makes sense.
I promise you, that with this blog, you will receive nothing but the truth. I apologize a head of time if I post something that comes across as offensive, but I am willing to put all of my failures in front of me for you and where ever you are at in your life.
Today, might just be a shuffle-of-my-shoes-repeat kind of day. But, I feel empowered to write again. I feel like God has been putting a lot of strength in me this entire week; strength that has been delivered to me in a number of different ways. I feel like He is calling me to lead and explode the web with my passion for life. "Is the world ready for this?" That is the question that leaves me second guessing. But with hesitation, I do not even know if I am ready, so I going to take things a little slow and as I feel necessary, I will push out as much as possible. :) Lets rock it! :)
This week, I have been struggling. I have be feeling torn apart inside and all I want to do is run back into the arms of the Lord and feel his comfort. I am sure that given all of the factors that I deal with at work (heller I am a social worker), on top of feeling lost, and with the fact that the moments to heal are minimal, life feels impossible. ...if that makes sense.
I promise you, that with this blog, you will receive nothing but the truth. I apologize a head of time if I post something that comes across as offensive, but I am willing to put all of my failures in front of me for you and where ever you are at in your life.
Today, might just be a shuffle-of-my-shoes-repeat kind of day. But, I feel empowered to write again. I feel like God has been putting a lot of strength in me this entire week; strength that has been delivered to me in a number of different ways. I feel like He is calling me to lead and explode the web with my passion for life. "Is the world ready for this?" That is the question that leaves me second guessing. But with hesitation, I do not even know if I am ready, so I going to take things a little slow and as I feel necessary, I will push out as much as possible. :) Lets rock it! :)
Monday, November 28, 2011
Did I mention...
a book? Yes indeed- it is coming- now, how do we prepare the word?
Through these brown eyes
By Clarissa Nielsen, Inspired by Mary Snyder
Prologue: Brown eyes
Reflection. What is that, that I see when I come face to face with what appears before me? A mirror. A girl's worst enemy. A portal? When I woke up this morning to glamorize myself, I came into contact with the very object that gets projected to the world daily and I saw me. I saw messy red hair, a cheesy smirk, sweat pants, and a sweat shirt (yes I sleep in winter wear- I am always cold)! I do not know what it is about this reflection, but I cannot withdraw and slowly, inch towards the object. Getting closer and closer, my nose fogs up a tiny portion of the mirror. Turning my head slightly to the left and then to the right, I suck in my checks and begin to examine my skin for pimples and hairs that do not belong; I despise those hairs. Once satisfied by making alterations, I descend another inch and am immediately drawn to the brown eyes. Yes, they are just circles of color, but in the middle, there is a door; a tiny black circle door with a tiny little door knob. If you stare hard enough and long enough, you can gain a glimpse of a keyhole; how old fashioned. One would think that with all of the modernization that has taken place, keys would vanish and something more efficient and convenient would replace it.
Well, in between your very hands is a tiny, tiny little key for my tiny black circle door. turning the page turns the key to unlock the doors. Enter at your own risk and enjoy.
Through these brown eyes
By Clarissa Nielsen, Inspired by Mary Snyder
Prologue: Brown eyes
Reflection. What is that, that I see when I come face to face with what appears before me? A mirror. A girl's worst enemy. A portal? When I woke up this morning to glamorize myself, I came into contact with the very object that gets projected to the world daily and I saw me. I saw messy red hair, a cheesy smirk, sweat pants, and a sweat shirt (yes I sleep in winter wear- I am always cold)! I do not know what it is about this reflection, but I cannot withdraw and slowly, inch towards the object. Getting closer and closer, my nose fogs up a tiny portion of the mirror. Turning my head slightly to the left and then to the right, I suck in my checks and begin to examine my skin for pimples and hairs that do not belong; I despise those hairs. Once satisfied by making alterations, I descend another inch and am immediately drawn to the brown eyes. Yes, they are just circles of color, but in the middle, there is a door; a tiny black circle door with a tiny little door knob. If you stare hard enough and long enough, you can gain a glimpse of a keyhole; how old fashioned. One would think that with all of the modernization that has taken place, keys would vanish and something more efficient and convenient would replace it.
Well, in between your very hands is a tiny, tiny little key for my tiny black circle door. turning the page turns the key to unlock the doors. Enter at your own risk and enjoy.
So, this is life now
I have to apologize for not diving into this blog a little more. Itzzz been crazy over here! But, to fill you in.
We've Moved-South!
Barely, but we have managed to completely uproot our little family and make the venture to Omaha. Today, was the first day that it has actually felt real. Everything that I have grown attached to, is now three hours away-if not father. I expected to miss everyone, but was not sure how much. For those times, I just keep reminding myself that it is going to get easier- everyday will be easier; besides there is a Target practically in my backyard!
I thank God everyday for the life he has given me. I thank him for the hard times that made me stronger and the precious times that made me feel overwhelmingly blessed. I have a wonderful husband that is a hard worker, two baby girls that I get to watch grow up, two dogs that keep me warm at night, and a wonderful-supportive family. Godsent--YES!
Remember: Isaiah 41:10
We've Moved-South!
Barely, but we have managed to completely uproot our little family and make the venture to Omaha. Today, was the first day that it has actually felt real. Everything that I have grown attached to, is now three hours away-if not father. I expected to miss everyone, but was not sure how much. For those times, I just keep reminding myself that it is going to get easier- everyday will be easier; besides there is a Target practically in my backyard!
This is it -------> 6423 N. 78th street- Omaha, Ne 68134
I took a picture to capture all of the boxes and "stuff" that we hauled all the way here, but the very sight of the picture made me feel overwhelmed- BUT- there has been progressed made. When the hubby counted- i think he said that we were down to 8 boxes left- just need to figure out where to unpack those boxes.
ALLLLLLSO- as many of you may know, on September 19, 2011 at 7:22PM another little girl joined our family.
Miss Paxtynn Natalie Nielsen- 8lbs 12oz; 221/2 long
Lil chub-chub is what we call her- and she came out with smiles galore. She is a wonderful baby and we definitely feel blessed to have her. This labor experience was mmmmmuch better than the first; that is what is expected- as I have been told. But, same result, a beautiful little girl to hold and kiss and love forever.
I will confess: I love being a mother and a wife.
I thank God everyday for the life he has given me. I thank him for the hard times that made me stronger and the precious times that made me feel overwhelmingly blessed. I have a wonderful husband that is a hard worker, two baby girls that I get to watch grow up, two dogs that keep me warm at night, and a wonderful-supportive family. Godsent--YES!
And one last thing...
November 28- today- marks 4 years....4 years since we were told I was going to die from cancer- boy were they wrong- and thank God! I don't feel like going into all the details of that heartache, but i will just continue to sit in awe and continue to cherish every day. I want soo badly for my girls to see and feel just how precious each day is. I know many survivors out there, but then I know even more people who have parished to the devastation and my heart aches. For that reason- I will always pray- daily- if not- hourly :)
Remember: Isaiah 41:10
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
11 “All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Four Candles
Dear little miracle inside me,
You have been quite the surprise! I can imagine that you will continue to do that throughout your life and we are excited. We are slowing preparing for you to join our family, but it is all still a shock. I am already madly in love with you and cannot wait to feel you move, meet you, kiss you, and hold you. I am eager to see you grow into your personality and be a part of your journey. You are my dreams come true and I love you!
Not even two years ago we were told that it was highly unlikely that we would deliver a child. We had two miscarriages before your big sister Elianna came along and we did not expect to go full term with her, but surprise, surprise God gave her to us. Now, it is your turn; no pressure.
I will pray for you every step of the way; Elianna will learn to pray too. When you get here you will have a loving family that will never stop telling you that they love you.
Now- no more surprises! I love you and will see you in 4 weeks! (at the first ultra sound)
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
You have been quite the surprise! I can imagine that you will continue to do that throughout your life and we are excited. We are slowing preparing for you to join our family, but it is all still a shock. I am already madly in love with you and cannot wait to feel you move, meet you, kiss you, and hold you. I am eager to see you grow into your personality and be a part of your journey. You are my dreams come true and I love you!
Not even two years ago we were told that it was highly unlikely that we would deliver a child. We had two miscarriages before your big sister Elianna came along and we did not expect to go full term with her, but surprise, surprise God gave her to us. Now, it is your turn; no pressure.
I will pray for you every step of the way; Elianna will learn to pray too. When you get here you will have a loving family that will never stop telling you that they love you.
Now- no more surprises! I love you and will see you in 4 weeks! (at the first ultra sound)
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
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| Four candles; one for each of our children |
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