Courage

I envy people with courage. I know that many of you are thinking that I have a lot of courage, but you are wrong; I am weak. The core of my weakness lies the fear of failure. There have been so many times in my life that I have felt the current of courage rush through my finger tips, but once my mind identifies  the possibility of loss, rejection, or failure, I become powerless. 

Someone told me today that courage is something that you have to build; like a fucking assembling line. (Their exact words- exact words) But my fear rises up again. I feel like my courage is comparable to a squirrels attention span- it is there, but then it is gone so quickly.

I do not want to be wrong.

I do not want to fail myself.

...or anyone.

I am comfortable the way that things are and I can always become more comfortable; even if something does not feel right.

Is this where Faith is supposed to jump up and say HEY!!!   or is this where courage and faith unite?

Lawd!!!!

I know that there are things in my life that I need to change; sooner than late. I am just terrified. Absolutely terrified.

The challenge tonight, that I am struggling with is building up courage towards change. The advice I received tonight was to start off by putting your insecurities out there and eventually, you will say exactly what you wanted to say when you initially started writing.

Here it goes:

I am insecure about my body and the image it projects to the world. Though I come across as being very confident with my development, I hate looking in full body mirrors. My stomach is larger than I have ever anticipated, but I love eating and don't love exercising. Stupid exercising. Stupid.

I am insecure about some of the decisions I make. I feel like my desires sometime override my morals and true beliefs. I am selfish and I know that I definitely put forth effort to always put my children first, but I get selfish.

I am insecure about the relationships I am in.  I have been burned by bad interactions/relationships, but I have also witnessed very powerful, healthy relationships. I can say that the biggest insecurity I have now is my marriage. I don't feel good enough. I know that there are things that need to change. I know that I need to change. I know that my biggest barrier to move towards change is the fact that I lack the courage to do so because I am paralyzed by fear. I am terrified that I will suffer loss, even if there is more to gain. I am terrified to fight, because I absolutely hate fighting. I am terrified that I will have to look at my children and see hurt in their eyes or know that in some way I have failed them. I do not want my children to have to suffer from the same insecurities as me; I want them to be stronger than me. I know what my children are missing from me as a parent, but I go back and forth, because they already have so much in front of them.

I don't want to be wrong, but in a sense, I don't want to be right either.

I know that the "right" thing to do is, but damn, knowing and doing are two completely different things.

I don't think that I am going to get to the point tonight and spit out the cyclone that is inside of me, even though I want to.

This is one of the many "first" times that I have even been at a loss for words. I have never experienced so much silence. I could get used to it.                puke.

Life is short

I could not sleep past 6:30 this morning. I have no idea what kinds of thoughts were swimming through my head, but I cold feel restlessness through my body and soul. To explain it, my eyes felt alive and anxious for what today could bring. My hands felt like meeting the world and embracing it. And my heart, beating with love. Beating with purpose; Purpose that I find hard explaining because I a do not know or simply, I do not remember.

A few weeks ago, I attended a funeral to celebrate the life of a great man. I find my heart to still hurt when I think about the loss of a good man on this earth. It is near impossible not to cry when I think about all of the shit that came out of his mouth. It was hard to tell that that man could be serious, but when it came to his family, friends, and career, he was nothing but serious and full of passion. It was always easy to see the good in this man heart and feel his unconditional love for children and others. He knew his purpose on earth and lived it every single day of his life.

I miss him. I cherish the time that I have had with him and so much wish to have had more.

We all know how precious time is, but most of us do not value the time that we have until someone Else's time runs out.

I feel like I have been in a rut for some time now. I have been searching but waiting for my sense of purpose to rise again. I am not the kind of person that literally sits and waits, but I am not actively reaching out or looking through binoculars; I just want to be railroaded. :)   

I have not been told that I am going to die, but sometimes I still feel like the end of my life is right around the corner. So, I guess now, I am searching for my purpose; for my chance to be something that my children look up to and value.

I started with a bucket-like list:  (but I am allowing those that I love to help me)

1. Learn to play the piano.

2. Crochet a hat.

3. Form a strong relationship with God.

4. Pray every day and teach my children to pray.

5. Serve people in church.

6. Keep my van and office clean and organized for a month straight.

7. Find my purpose and live it out every day.

8. Be a good woman, a better wife, and the best mother.

9. To write a song and sing it in front of people.

10. To find my voice again and use it to inspire.

I feel that 10 is a good jumping off point. There are lots of things listed that I know that I cannot do by myself, but can accomplish through building community; which becomes family.     And we all know how important "family" is to me.